’50 Shades of Grey’ just came out in the theaters, and you went because you heard there were tits. While you’re watching the movie, something odd happens to your nether-regions – part of you identifies with Ana more than Christian – you wish someone would pull you into a Dungeon and beat, humiliate, degrade, and just generally have their way with you. What would it be like to crawl at the heels of a Vicious Vixen wielding a whip?
You find listings on adult-oriented websites, see visions in leather and latex you couldn’t even imagine in the most coked-up parts of your brain – and they’re all LOCAL! There’s a phone number listed. Dick in hand, you start to dial…
WAIT!! Before you risk getting yourself blacklisted, never to safely indulge in your fantasy with someone who actually knows how to tie you up without causing nerve damage, take the time to read the following guidelines:
1. It’s ‘Domme’, not ‘Dominatrix’
“Yes, hello, I’m interested in seeing a Dominatrix?”
While ProDommes I know disagree about how to pronounce the former (I’ve heard “Dom-ay”, but I personally insist it’s pronounced “Dom”, just like the masculine version – how would you pronounce the word “Femme”? “Fem-ay?”), we all agree the word “Dominatrix” refers more to those women who top in the Pornography Films, rather than a woman who gives alternative lifestyle sexuality counseling.
Should someone call us a Dominatrix, it’s a pretty clear heads-up to us they have a certain idea about who we are and what we do, and that certain idea came from Kink.com. Should an s-type call and refer to us as a Domme/ ProDomme, it lends that much more credibility to the person attempting to book an appointment with us. Be the Credible Guy.
As a further matter of vocabulary, ‘Domina’ refers to a woman who is both a Lifestyle and Professional Domme… the jury is still out on pronunciation of this word, as well.
2. We Are Not Hookers; See #1
“That much for an hour? You’re at least gonna fuck me, right?”
Yes, I have a strap-on.
No, I’m not going to let you pay me to fuck you with it.
Yes, you’re going to have to pay for your session.
When you call a ProDomme and have the balls (read: idiocy) to outright ask for sex, you will be hung up on quite promptly or talked down to like a child (explaining how “this is not a sexual service – now that you know this, do you still wish to continue your booking?”), depending on the Domme.
Most state laws are blurred when it comes to BDSM practices, but when it comes to prostitution, they are clear cut – the answer is always “No.” If the answer is not “No,” you are either in Nevada, talking to what we call a “stripper whipper”, or running the risk of getting picked up for solicitation. When you say want to “serve” a Domme by being a pleasure slave, we read you loud and clear – we know you’re just trying to fuck/ get fucked by us. Guess what? That’s a no-go.
On the same vein, when you’re asked what you can offer for Tribute, the correct answer is never “having an orgasm for you, Goddess”, unless you’re rich and famous and not a porn star, and we get to film it as well as hold the exclusive distribution rights. For those who are completely vanilla, Tribute is Domme Speak for “Money and/ or Gifts”, and nine times out of ten, it means “and” rather than “or”. Assume the most lavish of all the options is the correct one.
3. No, We Will Not Switch With You; See #2
“So, like, are you just a Dominatrix or do you ever switch?”
Even if a ProDomme likes to switch in their personal life, such as myself (but, to be fair, enjoying receiving sensation is called bottoming, not submitting – subtle, yet important, difference), submitting is not the service they are offering. It doesn’t take an idiot to know what you would do with us if you had us tied up and at your mercy – hint: it involves spunk.
Let’s just assume for a hot second you aren’t going to do anything resembling intercourse/ involving your spunk and you aren’t going to reenact ‘Hostel’/ The ‘Saw’ Movies/ ‘Dead Alive’; you just want the thrill of having a beautiful woman consensually at your mercy for a set period of time. The gasps and pleading and tears and red and black and blue marks left on virgin skin might be all the more turn-on you want.
I know how much training I have had, but I don’t know if you’ve even picked up a flogger in your entire life. There is NO WAY in HELL any self-respecting Domme would EVER submit privately and blindly to someone they met through a ProDomme ad whose skill level they have no idea about. If you really want to Top someone that badly, join ‘Fetlife’, find a munch in your local area, and get vetted so you can attend a play party.
If you attend a play party, it is not a free-for-all, you still have to get consent and negotiate with someone, and even then, since they’ve never seen you play with anyone, they will most likely be just as hesitant to play with you blind as the aforementioned ProDomme would be. If you’re serious about Topping/ Domming, you have to being willing to put the time into it – just like any of the ProDommes you call.
4. There is a BIG difference between Fantasy and Reality
“I’ve always wanted someone to take a cigar cutter and a curling iron to my -“
I know the thought of being kidnapped by five large african-looking rapists and taken to a dingy concrete bomb shelter, beaten mercilessly until all your fingers are broken, and then strung up by your toes and beaten with a flogger made of razor wire makes your orgasms REALLY intense while you’re masturbating in the comfort of your own climate-controlled living room/ bedroom/ kitchen/ bathroom, but that’s not legal to do in most states, even if you consent to it… not to mention you probably wouldn’t live through the experience, what with all the blood loss and chance of infection.
If you ever tell a Domme you’ve never done a session before, and you want something extreme and elaborate and long-term, and they don’t try to talk you out of it, you are talking to a psychopath.
All of the Dom/mes I know will roll their eyes when an s-type claims they have “No Limits”. Everyone has a limit – have you ever sat in a car with someone who liked a type of music you couldn’t stand? A single-tail whip to the crotch is so much more insistent than Katy Perry’s latest croon. Trust me on this one…
Here are some examples of people I have actually encountered. I’m fairly new to the scene, at the time of this writing – I can only imagine some of the stories other Dommes may have:
- I have had clients who wanted me to cut off their dick, and, when I didn’t, they complained. Did they seriously expect me to tie them down and cause them to bleed out and then not take them to the hospital within the hour-long time limit of the session? No – getting rid of a body was NOT on my list of things to do that day; sorry, guy.
- I’ve had a man offer me $20,000 plus a new pair of shoes every month for the next twenty years if I could pop his ball out of its sac with my bare feet – I told him I would be more than happy to, having heard of a man who nailed his balls to a log at a party once, but we’d have to have an EMT present and disinfect any and all surfaces, which, I guess, wasn’t sexy enough for him to want to do anymore.
- The one Schwanendreher I attended – a Schwanendreher is a fetish where someone is roasted alive over an open bed of coals – the Roastee started complaining about how painful the heat was on his legs, and was immediately asked, “Well, what did you THINK you were getting yourself into?”
5. We Like Men
We wouldn’t take time out of our lives (some cases, months, even decades) to learn how to play safely if we just wanted you all to die in a fire. We like to play with you and feel the joy radiating from your entire being, we love it when the experience is cathartic for you – it’s what makes it all worth while.
There is nothing better than getting to a level of communication with a person who has felt like that part of them would “die alone”, in a manner of speaking. Whether that part is a slave, a sub, a devotee, an animal, a child, a robot, an inanimate object – hell, I’d love to play captive Sherlock or captive Dr. Who with someone, sometime – it feeds my soul to give life to a whole person.