Failing/ Moving/ Growing

I’m leaving in a little over a week. I’ve had it with this state.

And I’ll tell you why – I don’t have kids. This is a place for children, not for adults. It’s the Garden of Eden. I don’t belong.

There’s no shame in it. On the contrary – I’m humbled by the opportunities that have presented themselves, the people I’ve met in the last few months.

When my ex dumped me last October (for good this time), I felt like everything I had to live for was gone. A part of me fell into the whole Iowa trap of ‘Get Married, Have Kids, Die Here Having Only Lived Vicariously Through Your Children’. Unless you’re doing something productive and for the good for the community, you’re pretty much a bump on a log doomed to relive your high school days.

They say “When the student is ready, the master will appear.” Well, wouldn’t you know it? That’s exactly how it happened. You see, I met a really great group of people in my local community, which opened me up to an online community, which led to my moving. Everything happens for a reason. Everything is propelling me towards my destiny. I feel lighter, somehow. I know this is what I was born to do – leave.

As painful as it was at the time, now I’m glad. That pain motivated me to do something with myself. I’ve often said, “I can’t have caffeine, so I pretty much run on Spite,” and it’s true. It might not be the prettiest of emotions, but it’s what I feel and it’s real and I have to play the cards I’m dealt – we all do.

The advice I’ve gotten for my trip seems to be “Have an open mind, an open heart, and be honest.” Really? I’ve been doing that for 26 years, and it’s caused me nothing but grief. Huh. So you mean there’s a reason I’ve never felt like I belonged – my tribe lives elsewhere. I get to fall in love with a whole new city full of people I could never have imagined in a million years who will feel like home.

Well, I might be getting a little ahead of myself, but between the phone calls and emails and Facebooking, I feel closer to these people than I think I have most of my friends around here. That’s not to say I don’t love my friends here. On the contrary, I do – I love them too much. They can never love me like that, and that dissonance in my life has caused me unfathomable amount of needless suffering.

I cast off the shackles of Mainstream America and forge my own path through the Third Dimension. I mean, it would be easier to just go through the Fourth Dimension, but I don’t know if I’m doing it right quite yet. I’ll have to work on that.

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